You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
by Bob Hope

If it begins with a wink, it can end with a slap.
by Submitted by Martin Dansky.

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
by Casey Stengel

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
by Henry Youngman

Judge not a man by his clothes, but by his wife’s clothes.
by Thomas R. Dewar

When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
by Gracie Allen

The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.
by Kin Hubbard

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
by Maryon Pearson

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining.
by Mark Twain

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
by Harry S Truman

Attack life, it’s going to kill you anyway.
by Steven Coallier

The most dangerous food is wedding cake.
by James Thurber

Silence is golden but duck tape is silver.
by Anonymous

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
by Steven Wright

Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is like another nail.
by Dan Castellaneta